Hate Me Until You Cant Love Me Anymore
by Shan Sawyer Snape Malfoy
Summary: Draco Malfoy suffers with Depression. He cuts himself and one time, he takes it too far. Sucicidal and in ST.Mungo's, Draco has plenty of time to mull over his relationship. Draco/OC Dark angst, a happy ending though! A Multi Chapter Fic. T for language an Self-harm
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Dont own Harry Potter, Any characters or scenes or anything you recognise. I just borrow beautiful characters and make them sick and twisted for my own and your bizarre entertainment. And as any of my constant readers know. I own Shan Grimoire.

**This was written ages ago when I was younger and as I was cleaning my room - Yes CLEANING - I found it again and decided to post it. Its been tweaked a bit to suit my new-found love of angst. Please forgive me if it is so crap you feel the need to tear out your eyes. I have been writing around school and so much homework you wouldn't believe it if i told you (arent we all?) , so sorry if im slow! **

Flame if you want. I've had so little reviews that I don't even care.

Without further adu I now present...

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_**Hate Me Until You Cant Love Me Anymore**_

**I ****screamed again as another Crutiatus Curse hit me; I writhed and jerked on the cold stone floor.  
"This is how you pay for your mistakes, Lucius" Voldomort purred  
I screamed again the needles of pain sealed themselves inside my skin. They festered under my flesh then struck deeper as The Dark Lord once again cast the third Unforgivable on my slender frame.  
I looked up at my father; his face was expressionless, eyes cold and unforgiving.  
"Father...plea-"  
My cry was cut short as another bolt of pain burnt through my veins and dried up my lungs. I tried to draw in a shaky breath, but all I could do was scream.**

I awoke to the sound of a terror filled scream. It took me a few moments to realize that it was I who was screaming. I tried to quietly hush myself before the sound reached mother's wing, on the other side of the Manor. A few sobs wrenched their way out of my lips, until I started to cry silently. My frail frame shook as I wept pitifully in the middle of the night.  
Ever since father was taken to Azkaban, I've been plagued by flashbacks. Mothers hardly been a help for me either. She just sits in her chair in the library, wasting away.  
A dark thought clouded my mind again, tempting me. This time, I didn't try stopping it. My resolve weakened, and I rose from my bed. A bang on the door made me pause briefly.  
"Draco?" Mother's voice called  
Shit. I ignored her, creeping silently to my bathroom, after retrieving my wand from the dresser. I checked my locks on the door were still tightly in place. They were. Another knock. I silently thanked my father for allowing me my own En suite bathroom. A sneer graced my features at the thought of my father, pathetic bastard, a disgrace to the wizard society. After the Dark Lord fell to 'Saint Potter', All the Death Eaters had been put on trial. I'd also had trial, at the Ministry, it wasn't too pleasant. I'd testified against my father. After all, he WAS Evil. Hey, I have the scars to prove it. He definitely put those extensive torture chambers to good use. It had also been the last time I had seen _her._ Shan. She had also built evidence against my Father. She had testified about _us_ and how he would use violence as punishment against me...Her...Everyone.

Shan also spoke of how he had _forced_ her to... Well, when she came back from his wing of the Manor, she'd been a mess. Covered in blood, hardly able to stand. It was one of the rare times I had seen her cry.  
It was NOT a memory I was too fond of. It still haunted me, the look in her eyes.  
Shan still hadn't cried in the court, her eyes were hard and she didn't glance my way once, even as her own Death Eater trial began.  
By the time I had finished my train of thought; I had run the bath at a scalding temperature and removed my Pajama bottoms.  
I traced my fingers across the scars on the arms and chest, trying to determine which of them were from my Father, and which I had inflicted upon myself.  
I gently lowered myself into the water, the searing burning to my skin calmed me slightly as a small gasp escaped my mouth. With my wand in hand, I held the tip to my chest,  
"Flagrate" I muttered  
I felt a few tears leak from the corners of my eyes as i pressed the white-hot flame further and further down my chest. I could hear my mother sobbing at the door. She knew about my scars, she never did anything about it. He would have killed her. But she would always heal them secretly in the dead of the night. Until i started doing it myself.  
"Diffindo" I uttered in a voice void of all emotion  
I gasped sharply as I slowly opened a wound down the length of my arms. Blood oozed from the gap and I could swear I could see bone.  
Mother was attacking the door with every spell she knew, but I knew she wouldn't be able to get past my locking charm. I didn't want to make this any longer than this had to be. I'd had enough.

I stared at the name I had previously etched onto my wrist. I pressed a kiss to Shan's name and whispered  
"Sectumsempera" against my wrist before I felt the pain burn through my body and then… black.

I knew I wasn't dead, I knew it straight away. I couldn't hear anything and felt the occasional hand on my neck and wrists. All I knew was that my heart carried on beating, my lungs making me breathe. My mind felt trapped inside my body and I couldn't move my limbs. I felt like I was paralyzed.

I reckon I'm in St. Mungo's

Being totally helpless gave me a lot of time to think when I wasn't unconscious. I thought a lot about Shan. Our broken relationship.  
Honestly. What the fuck is wrong with me?  
I mean _really._ I'm supposed to be a snarky arrogant bastard. And here I am getting all sentimental. Ugh I'm turning into an effing _Hufflepuff. _  
Oh well, she hates me. Mother undoubtedly hates me. It's all a load of crap.  
I Hate My Life. HATE it.  
Why can't people just let me get on with it?...

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Yeh, I know... Now, watch as I shamelessly cross refrence: I know I should be writing 'A Series Of Slightly Romantic Events' but I have writers block so... Sorry!Anyone that has not read aSoSRE, its my first ever DRARRY! YAY! I'd love if you could read it.

Reviews feed my muse, who is currently more starved than Harry under the stairs.

Filling The Paper With The Breath Of My Heart

Shan xx


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I dont own. Sorry to dissapoint.

Thank you to Obliviously for my review!  
Im sorry Ive written this chapter about six times and I still hate it but, I cant see me getting in any better.

Reviews are love, Flame if you must.

And here is your next installment...

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**_Hate Me Until You Cant Love Me Anymore_**

Boredom… Infuriating boredom. I tried to think of my happiest memory. I realise all of them are moments with Shan. Well, she was the best thing for me.  
I remember the first time she told me she loved me. I remember it so well. It was at the Annual Hogwarts Halloween Ball…

_**She looked beautiful as she descended the staircase in her black gown. It was tightfitting at the top, covered in ivory vines rising. The boob tube dipped low, enoug**__**h to make the mind wonder but not low enough to see anything revealing. The waist was slightly less fitted even though it still hugged all her curves in all the right places. My eyes were drawn to the slit that travelled up the dress from the ankles to the**__** bottom of her thigh. Her eyes were dark pools of Obsidian and the dark flicks that spiked up from the crease of each eye only made her look even more dangerous and mysterious. Her ebony one side shorter hair swished across her face and she lifted a glove**__**d hand to brush it away.**__**  
**__**Finally, her black heels clicked on the floor and I held out my arm for her to take.**__**  
**__**She leant her head towards my ear and whispered**__**, **__**  
**__**"You look fantastic"**__**  
"So do you"**__**  
She eyed my**__** black suit with a smirk and **__**we made our way int**__**o the Great hall. Every pair of eyes suddenly lifted to stare at the Dark temptress at my side. We stood together on the dance floor and I wrapped both arms around her waist. Her arms were around my neck and I smirked at the gaping stares of Potter and Weasel. **__**  
"Where are your glasses?" I muttered**__**  
"Pansy cast a sight correction charm" She said by way of an explanation. **__**  
"And what happened to that mega sexy lip piercing I love so much?"**__**  
She rolled her eyes again and said**__**  
"Pansy"**__**  
Well **__**really;**__** I was going to have a word with Pansy later.**__**  
Shan **__**lifted a hand to her mouth and put a new ring in. I cocked an eyebrow**__**  
"Spare"**__**  
I really was enjoying the stares of pure envy from Potter far too much. **__**  
"Potter and Weasel are staring at you, you know. They're ignoring their sorry excuses for dates."**__**  
She **__**laughed;**__** I decided I quite liked the sound**__**. **__**  
"Potter! Stop staring at my date" **__**  
His face flushed quite profoundly. He didn't even have the guts to reply.**__**  
I pressed my face closer to hers and pressed a kiss to the piercing.**__**  
And she tilted her head upwards and captured my mouth. It was definitely a while before we broke apart. I had really lost track of time.**__**  
The song in the background changed. It was **__**our **__**song. **__**A muggle song called **__**My sweet Prince. **__**  
**__**"**__**Never thought you'd make me perspire, never thought I'd do you the same…"**__** She sang, **__**a**__** smile playing over her lips, a devious glint in her eye**__**. **__**  
"Oh dear, how **__**ironically**__** cheesy" I drawl**__**. **__**  
**__**"**__**Me**__** and the dragon" She carried on.**__**  
I couldn't help but sing with her, we probably looked most undignified, but I found that I didn't care.**__**  
By the end of the song we had both all but collapsed from our fit of giggles. **__**  
**__**"You know, Dray, I Love you"**__**  
Any hint of laughter was gone from her voice and I knew she meant it. Fuck. This meant I had to tell her. **__**Its**__** one thing to admit it to yourself, but totally another to tell someone else.**__**  
I realised I had absolutely no idea how to say this **__**back;**__** I'm not some freaking Hufflepuff. I decided to jump in on the deep end**__**. **__**  
"Love you too"**__**  
We both smiled**__**  
That wasn't as hard as we had both expected it to be. We had both been raised to wear that mask in public. A main lesson taught by Lucius.**__**  
**__**  
At the end of the night, we had walked back to the dungeons together and kissed. We said out goodnights in the common room and as I walked into the dorms, I was knocked over by Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle. All laughing **__**and**__** clapping me on the back**__**  
"What the HELL? Are you TRYING to ruin my hair?"**__**  
"Shut it dray and spill every last juicy detail of tonight." Blaise drawled in that Italian accent that I knew practically every girl swooned for.**__**  
**__**So that was how **__**we**__** spent our night, up like a load of school girls sharing details of our evening with the girls.**__**  
What non**__**e**__** of us knew was that the girls in the other room were doing th**__**e exact same thing.**__**  
After all, Shan and I**__** Were Hogwarts Hottest Couple. And who could deny us that title? We were the most popular people on offer since Harry Potter! And who the hell wanted him?!**_

Well, I'm sure that killed a few hours. I'm bored again now. As I lie there I realise something's different. Oh My Godric. I Can HEAR! Yes! Now I can listen in on those blasted healers. I'm pretty sure I could get some good dirt on them while I'm stuck useless.  
Hmmm. I can hear a woman's voice; I know it's not Mothers. Oh god. It's her. She's here. Fuckity Fuck.  
"Effing wake up you twit. How could you do this to me? Killing yourself? I knew you had a flair for dramatics but…ugh you idiot…"  
I fight so hard against the drowsiness. It's suffocating. I want to be awake so much, I need to. But I can't, all I can do is slip back into the deep lulling waves of unconsciousness .

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Oh God please dont hate me, it sucks but i have writers block. I know its not a good excuse but its all I got so...

I need reviews to make it better!

Filling The Paper With The Breath Of My Heart

Shan xx


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Dont own, Except fot shan.

Im so sorry about the lateness of this, but i wrote the chapter about six times and hated it so... this is the best ive got.  
But Come on guys I need reviews!  
Oh yes and... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Now, on with chapter three

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A soft warm hand wrapped tightly around my own, Fingers are entwined and soft lips press themselves to the back of my hand.  
I don't know who's they are, but it gives me something to concentrate on. I gently squeeze the hand back, hoping a voice will alert me to who it is. My fingers slowly wrap around what I can only assume is a woman's hand. There is a short breathy gasp of surprise and then a sad hopeful voice calling my name  
"Draco?"  
Shan. She's here again. The thought makes my stomach flip and I fight as hard as I can against the restraints of my coma.  
A smile tug's at the corner of my lips and I hear a strangled choke. As though she was trying not to cry.  
"Draco? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can…please…"  
I willed my fingers to move, I could just about drag my thumb over the back of her hand.  
She didn't say anything for a while. At least, I think she didn't, I was too exhausted to do anything. I could feel myself slipping away again. My hearing faded, my sense of touch left me.  
And I didn't hear her whisper  
"I Love You"

_**She sat in my prefect room absently tracing her branded arm through her sleeves, anger stamped all over her face. I had recently been branded with the Dark Mark. I had been working to kill The Headmaster ever since the start of our sixth year at Hogwarts. Hers was to get the Death Eaters into the castle.  
We were snapping at each other constantly, we had actually fought once. And that resulted in no speaking for a week.  
We were starting to hate each other more and more.  
"Draco! Shut UP!" She almost screamed at me.**_

"_**Shove off woman"  
Oh jeez was I going to regret that…  
**_

"_**Look, I'm sorry…" **_

_**I stalked over to her and brought my lips to hers, intent on calming her and bringing her away from our current argument.**_

_**She shoved me away and slapped my face, the black serpent ring she wore on her wedding finger-don't ask me why, we weren't engaged- dragged across my cheek and drew blood.  
Fury bubbled to the surface as I put my hand to my cheek and a red sticky liquid ran between my fingers.  
In one swift movement I had whipped out my wand and pointed it at her rapidly rising and falling chest.  
"Crucio!" I Snarled  
Shan, my beloved Shan, fell to the floor screaming in agony.  
As much as I tried I couldn't tear my wand away from her writhing figure, Tears were streaming down her face as her howls resounded in the room.  
Bangs on the door broke their way through the blood rushing in my ears.**_

"Draco opens the god damn door" I heard Blaise yelling.  
Jealousy stuck me as I pictured the Italian Slytherin in my mind, HER best friend, or so she always told me. I'd always been envious of his special bond with her.  
The door burst open and my fellow Snakes ran in, pulling me away before I could do any more damage. Blaise ran straight to Shan and turned her limp body towards him. Resting her head on his lap, he sent a patronous message to Snape and Madame Pomfrey. His frantic ramblings to her about how it would all be fine rivalled his soothing brushes of her hair from her face.  
I couldn't look at that arse with my girl; I wrestled my way out of Crabbe and Goyle's grip and made my way towards the door. They started after me until Blaise called them back  
"Let him leave" He said darkly.  
I sprinted from the building and collapsed under the willow by the lake. I sat straight backed against the trunk and let my unseeing eyes ghost over the rippling water under the moonlight.  
The dew on the grass soaked through my robes but all I could focus on was Shan's falling figure twisting in agony and crumpling onto the floor….

The images played across my mind again and again until I could almost take no more. After that I had gone to see her in the Hospital wing, or at least tried. Severus wouldn't let me out of his sight and Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let me in.  
I told her to tell Shan I was sorry. To this day I don't think she did.  
So, now you know, the reason she hates me.

Her voice broke through to me again, I don't know whether it's just my mind or if it's really her this time. Shan's hand entwines with mine again and I know it's real. Her Full lips are pressed to my forehead and the cool rim of her glasses presses into my scalp.  
I hear the door open and someone come inside.  
Shan's hand instantly disappears and I find

I miss the warmth of it. I know that as soon as I wake she'll leave, she's probably only here out of guilt.  
"What do you want, Healer?" Her voice was cold, unforgiving.  
"Mr Malfoy's wounds are now fully healed; I have merely brought his awakening potion.

He is to drink it now."  
"Very well, hurry about your business and leave"

I felt the Healer bustling around me and a cold liquid being forced down my throat. My entire body felt numb as the potion spread through my veins. The effects of the potion quickly came to notice. My limbs jerked and my mind felt less like mush, I felt my breathing grow ragged and harsh. Again I heard shan speaking to the healer,  
"You may leave now, I will call for you should there be a problem"  
The healer sounded like they wanted to protest but eventually I heard the door swing open and then closed.  
"Come on Draco, wake up for me. I miss you so much"  
At some point her hand had once again twisted around my own and she was gently stroking her fingers up and down my left forearm. Tracing the mark that defined our life.  
Suddenly, my grey eyes flickered open and met with Obsidian ones that stared back at me intensely.

I was finally awake.

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Thank you! Reviews are love :D

Filling The Paper With The Breath Of My Heart

Shan xx


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